Something that I wanted to tell

    Greetings, it has been awhile since the last time I get to write something in here. I used to love expressing things that I couldn't let it out, anywhere, privately. It has been a really tough years with me getting into university. For some reason I feel like I'm not doing well. I've diminish grades, financial issues that I regretted for not doing things that I should and shouldn't have, getting into relationship with having trauma issues with past relationship (I'm still having it right now). I don't know where to start but to be honest. I didn't change, in a bad a way where I feel like I'm still dwelling inside the past. I couldn't move on, I'm afraid of the future that made me reject thinking about it.

I wish someday I could write something that I could be proud of. 

I'll try again next time. Try.

    Mr . Sixth

____________

When I'm trying so hard to tell myself to be ignorant as much as I could. It actually tears me apart slowly and deeper and I couldn't even control it.

"You're not worth for me to fall into"

This is the thing that tries to comfort me as I know it's not even matter. I knew it won't happen and all I want is to make it happens

This is so wrong yet I can't even deny

My head hurts when I try to think about it. 

Please, have mercy on me. I'm not that strong as you think. You know who I am and you know what I am. I don't want it to end yet I want it to happen.

I do hate the truth that memories stay. I hope it will flows with the sacrifice that I shall make. 

I have no idea

___________

Hey.

I think I've been falling for you for quite some times. And yet I didnt notice how long I've been with these feelings. Guess i got to throw it again, far away from myself soon because I know that, you'll never ever be mine.

Thanks for always being there for me with all the jokes, sarcasm, advices and discrimination that you gave to me.

You're having someone better than me and I'd know that Im always not better than everyone. I dont deserve anything, nor you.

Don't worry, I'll just keep these feelings to myself and I promise that you'll never ever here me say that I'd fall for you.

You're not guilty.

__________

Apart from being sad, I guess that's the only feeling I rather not to be. I've been suffering with this ever since I don't even know how long. It seems like I've always been cursed and basically I've been tearing up my eyes for quite some times.

Ah. It comes again. The old friend situation that never ever going to leave me away from my life. Dear old friend, I believe that one day, you'll be leaving me for good as I know that myself have been hurting over and over again. I dont even know how much I've been falling into pieces. It hurts so much that it keeps bugging me every time

I've always wanted to move on. It needs a huge sacrifice, and I am not sure whether the sacrifice that I shall made, is worthy or not? Are you even worthy for me to leave? Do you even know how much I've spent for you? Guess you'll never noticed and understand why I do. Maybe it's been written for me that I'm always going to be a toy, to everyone. Either toy that you frequently play with or toy that are useless for you to have with.

Every single new place, it just never stop. From meeting strangers to friends, and to someone that I adore, and to someone that I've to move my feelings with. I need to stop falling too deeply as I know I know I know someday, the feelings will hurt me deeper. 

I still can't believe it still happens. Stupidly giving myself a fake hope again.

-

Haha surprisingly it has been 1 year err hmm about 1 year I guess.

Well, looking at time now its already 2.50.a.m and I should I should I should put some droppers inside my ears because my both ears have been clogged for since I dont even know how long. Hahaha so much things happened in one year I guess, having this kind of feelings where you have to make yourself believe that there's always a time where you need to start to move on and some of other things that you loved, it won't last long. And that's what makes us human. Ah I just really hate the feelings when you need to keep the feels stay so that you can continue to write the whole passages that you wanted people to understand how you feel, I hope that make sense haahhaa.

Getting back to the time when 2016 was a year that particularly made me understand and believe that you have to be rational and think to everything that you do, your speech and your actions are important towards people around you. I know that for this quite long I don't even know that my actions were so stupid.  I really hope that hahahhaa people will try not to focus and remember to everything that I did

So for now, I'm trying to build my personality(even though that I think it is quite late for me to build because I'm about to be 18yo very soon ahahbidioawjdo) that can brings me to confidence and achievements. I do have something that I wanted to achieve in the very soon of time. Hmm maybe I just need to be a little bit more consistence towards everything that I do hahahah. Even writing this makes me sick because it has been quite a long time since the last time I wrote an essay in English hahahaha. Quite rusty yea?

It's all for now. See you again!

_________

It's a been awhile.

I wanted to let go of something that I've been holding for quite sometimes;

 It's pretty hard.

Marveling about something that doesnt last long for me to keep, I do realised that it is not something that I need. All this time I've been acting so immature that myself has never been so infuriated for being me. There are bunch of reasons for me to give up on this, but I choose to stay.

Desperate for a life changer.

And if you notice that, there's no odd today.
I hope the next is the last one;
 I don't want these to happen again,
I'm begging.

________

What makes me feel like I don't appreciate myself, my own life.

There's still this kind of feelings going through inside my head. I'm not sure what makes me the way I am right now. What's on my face is no longer real. What did I say is no longer true. What did I do is no longer right. I'm sorry to say this but I'm no longer the way I'm supposed to be. What's around me changes the way I do, the way I think, and the way I behave. 

Can't you even realise, this is all your fault. If you the one can who control your own lust I won't be existing. Stop complaining if you the one who made me here. You'd kill me earlier. I would never know that my existence has never been so full of hatred. Just please, I don't ask to be here. You should know that you couldn't even carry a fucking life through a happiness, instead you dragged him into the abyss. Either me, or you. I don't ask for it. 

I don't fucking ask for it

_______

" There’s a brief moment when you first wake up where you have no memories, a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness, but it doesn’t last long and you remember exactly where you are and what you are trying to forget. "

Am I overthinking, or I'm just being too stupid to hope so much.

After all what I've done, am I even deserve to being paid like this.

Thanks.

Im likely to understand more what is the meaning of life.

You had made everything looks so fine. Yet so hurt.

It will never be the same.

______

Myself can't move forwards.

How to overcome anxiety? How to be acceptable by people arounds you? How to cope with yourself for better future? How to stop making yourself feel bad? How to ensure that everything you do is right? How to be responsible? How to make sure that people arounds you think that you're confident? How to stop forgiving? How to be alone? 

How to..

Have mercy on me.

I just want to have my own direction.

Please, I really need you to guide.

Ignorance

6th